Letting Go Of My Alex

ltg1There is a special place for dogs called Rainbow Bridge and that’s where my Alex went on Wednesday, August 12 of this year. Alex turned 13 years old this year and we celebrated her birthday a bit late and I remember thinking, “I hope we have more years together.” But that was not meant to be.

We got Alex when she was a little over 2 months old, and Cynthia was not too crazy about her, but as time went by I saw Alex work her magic and Cynthia fell in love with her. The day we took her for the very last time to the vet, I was driving while Cynthia sat in the back seat with Alex. I was very serious and quiet but I would not allow myself to cry because I was thinking, “I need to be there for Alex. Don’t cry,” but as soon as Cynthia touched my arm without saying a single word the tears just came rolling down my cheeks. At that point in time my heart was telling me, “Drive. Drive. Don’t stop. Go back to Maryland and all would be fine.” But my head was saying, “Do the right thing, and let her go.” I stopped crying and we finally got to the vet. We were led to a small room where we were given time to say goodbye to Alex. Cynthia couldn’t stop crying. I kissed and hugged Alex and after that my girl stayed with Cynthia giving her kisses while she continued crying. Till the very end, Alex kept teaching us lessons to live by. Although Alex really was my dog, her last moments were spent consoling Cynthia. I can still see them together and it was amazingly moving. Cynthia had fallen in love with my Alex. The vet and vet tech finally came in and while Cynthia held Alex in her arms and I held her little white paws in my hands Alex left this world.

We stayed with Alex for a while and then we put her on a stretcher and gave her a final kiss and hug. We went outside and sat in the car crying our eyes out for I don’t know how long. 13 years of being the 3 musketeers all of a sudden ended. It has taken me almost a month to write about Alex because I just didn’t have the strength to do it, but now I am ready, so here it goes.

Alex and Gir
Alex and Gir

My dear Alex,
Let me start by saying that you’ve been the best teacher I could have ever wished for. If one day I could be even a fraction of the amazing being you were, I’d venture to say that I did great. You were my furry kid, companion, and most of all my teacher. Because of you I learned about patience, tolerance, love, peace, laughter, and even the one I find the hardest to do, letting go.

Words could never express how much I miss you. You were the only being that could calm me down when I was enraged. There were times when you knew that I was mad even before I realized it. You’d shiver and look straight at me. That’s how Cynthia knew I was mad. You always gave me away. I’d look at you and my anger would disappear in a matter of seconds. You had that calming effect on me. I heard somewhere that we don’t get the dogs we want, we get the dogs we need and I do believe that was the case with you.

It’s been almost a month since you left, and your bed, brace and leash are still in their usual place. I cannot put them away yet. Your ashes are in the living room where we spend most of our time and I keep telling myself, “She is still with you. She is still with you.” I don’t know what to do without you in my life. I truly do not. I feel a void, an emptiness, a hole in my heart, a pain that words would never be able to fully describe.

It’s amazing how much I changed because of you. I was a party girl. Before you came into my life, fun was going out dancing on the weekends. Once you entered my life, fun was staying at home with you and Cynthia watching TV and eating popcorn. I don’t regret one single night I enjoyed at home with you. Also, I wasn’t a very friendly person, you, on the other hand, greeted every person as if he/she were your best friend therefore I had to say, “Hello.” Do you see how much you changed me?

Walter, Alex, and Dexter (L to R)
Walter, Alex, and Dexter (L to R)

Alex, I love you with all my heart. I miss you dearly and you will forever be in my heart and in my thoughts. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me, for all the kisses you gave me when I cried, for all the times you made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt, for your love, for your companionship, for the balance that you brought into my life, and for so much more.

It was an adventure, a learning experience, a love affair, a joyful journey, and a privilege to have had you in my life. I will be forever grateful to have been fortunate enough to be your mom.

Till we see each other again, your mom,


55 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss of Alex. Your story really touched me – I can tell how close you were and how much you touched one another’s lives. I’m sure she’s still keeping an eye on you and your family, though, and cheering you on.

    1. Marcela says:

      Omg, thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, she certainly touched my life and changed me in so many positive ways. I do hope I gave her a good life for she certainly brighten up ours. Yes, I do believe that she is keeping an eye on us. Thanks again:-)

  2. Sorry for your loss. Rest in peace to your dog.

  3. Oh Marcela, I’m crying like a damn fool here and can’t begin to imagine how YOUR heart must be aching. These amazing creatures come into our lives and completely rearrange our DNA. I’m happy you were able to spend 13 wonderful years with your sweet girl. Tender thoughts and sweet memories…so very sorry for the loss of your special and loyal friend. ❤

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks a million for your kind and thought words. I do believe a person’s heart can be broken, and ours certainly are, but we are also very grateful that we had her for 13 years and that when it was time for her to go we were with her until the end. I wouldn’t trade the time I had with her for anything:-)

  4. Beautiful….made me cry remembering when I had to let go of the family dog, Shandy, on Christmas Day. I’d never seeny dad cry until then

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks for reading my post and I am sorry for the loss of your Shandy. You know what? It always amazes me to see a person that I’d describe as strong all of a sudden crying over the death of a dog. That gives me hope in humanity.

      1. Too true. Some people dont get what it means to lose a dog but its like losing a family member!

      2. Marcela says:

        I agree. But then again, they never knew the joy these amazing dogs brought to our lives. Their loss, our gain:-)

      3. Very valid point! I can’t imagine my life without the blessing that a dog brings to it 🙂

      4. Marcela says:

        I am at the moment without a dog, and my apt. just feels really empty. I don’t know how to describe except to use the word empty. Because of that Cynthia and I will start looking at adopting a dog the next couple of weeks:-)

      5. That’s great news, how exciting! A house is not a home without a dog. I’m doggless as well at the moment. I’m moving around too much at the moment but my dad sends me regular updates of my best friend and what she has been getting up to 🙂

      6. Marcela says:

        You said it perfectly, a house is not a home without a dog. Perhaps in the future you could get your own furry kid:-)

  5. Deb says:

    It took me a while to hear up to read this, knowing I’d cry my way through it. My condolences on your loss but also my congratulations for finding and loving such an amazing dog.

    1. Marcela says:

      Hi Deb. Thank you. The outpouring of well wishes and love from so many people has surprised me and I bet it has made Alex happy. I can certainly say that I was one lucky mom to have had Alex as my furry kid and teacher. Take care of yourself and your family.

  6. Patty B says:

    I am so sorry – God bless and comfort you and Cynthia. My heart aches with you – it is never easy saying good bye to those we love.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thank you. Letting go is never easy specially when you’ve been together for 13 years. She was a unique girl. My girl:) Cynthia and I appreciate your kind words. The best to you and your family.

  7. Lucy Lulu says:

    I hit send too soon. I send my condolences, and thank you for sharing.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks Lucy Lulu.

  8. Lucy Lulu says:

    I am so sorry to hear about Alex. She was a beautiful girl that clearly brought much joy. I sat here with my Lu by me as I read your post and cried. Lu is also that special dog for me.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. Yes, my Alex was a beautiful girl and an amazing teacher. Please give your Lu a hug and a kiss from me. The best to you and your furry kid.

  9. smoreztero says:

    Your post made me cry.. Hard. I have a dog too and thinking about it made me cry even more. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hate that feeling that there’s something missing that’s normally there, always on the same routine. Stay strong Marcela. Alex is in a better place and she will always, ALWAYS be there by your side. Much love goes out to you and Cynthia.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks a million for your beautiful words. Yes, she will forever be with us. And yes, I know she is in a better place. Thanks again.

  10. roweeee says:

    By the way, it was a lovely idea to write the letter to Alex. It was very touching xx Rowena

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks Rowena. Writing a letter is something I’ve been doing since I lost my first dog, Casey, years ago. It may sound crazy, but I feel that if I don’t do it I can’t move forward.

  11. roweeee says:

    So sorry for your loss, Marcela. Like so many dog lovers, I find it hard to understand why our canine friends are only with us for such a short proportion of our lives.
    A year ago, it was looking like our Border Collie, Bilbo was fading and we adopted a second dog, Lady. Bilbo lost weight and has perked up a lot and is now full of energy. UNfortunately, Lady brought fleas with her and he’s developed a terrible allergy but other than that he’s come good. He is almost 9 and even though we lost our last BC at 8, I am hopeful that we’ll have him for awhile yet.
    Take care xx Rowena

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. Yes, I do wish they lived longer lives, but I read somewhere that the reason why their lives are short is due to the fact that if they were to live longer lives and we lost them, we, humans would never be able to recuperate from such a loss. Between you and me, I believe that. I am so glad you adopted Lady and Bilbo got a little more active. May Bilbo and Lady have many happy, healthy years with you and your family. Take care of your beautiful pack and thanks Rowena for your kind words.

      1. roweeee says:

        Thank you very much, Marcela. You’re welcome. I agree with that explanation for a dog’s shorter life. Makes sense. Take care xx Rowena

      2. Marcela says:

        The same to you:-)

  12. gidzmo says:

    Sorry to hear that Alex is gone. Hugs to you and your furbabies!

    We had to put Kiyi (our Akita) down two years ago because of his back legs. I still miss him.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. I am sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how long ago they left, they are always in our hearts. Their paw prints will always be in our hearts.

  13. edjessie says:

    Alex, we love you and will miss you forever!

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. Wow! My girl Alex touched people. How amazing of her.

  14. creativecritters77 says:

    I am so sorry for your loss 😦 But you gained so much through knowing Alex, and for that you can be grateful. I’ve had many pets in my life, but there are some that are just really special. For me it was Ozzy, my big black cat who was always there for me. He was 13 when he passed and I still miss him, although it’s been 6 years. But then I adopted Calcifer, and I do believe a bit of Ozzy’s soul came back with him. Calcifer has helped heal some the pain of losing Ozzy, and is another very special animal. Yes, we do get the pets we need, just when we need them ❤

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks and yes I did learned a lot. She was an amazing teacher. I am sorry for your loss. Your Ozzy meant a lot to you. You know what? I believe, just like you, that we do get the pets we need, just when we need them, that part I didn’t realize. Thanks and I am glad you have Calcifer to help you with the loss of your Ozzy. Have a great weekend.

  15. Mrs P says:

    Sending you all my love x

  16. R.I.P Alex.Loosing our dogs – heart breaking but they will not stray far from our sides. We no longer see them but feel instead. Spotty went last 7 August 2014 in similar circumstances as Alex- her ashes, in the scatter tube on the dressing table, with photos , her prizes and collar. I have Benji now and love him to bits but Spotty will always have a special place in heart. x x x

    1. Marcela says:

      I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, you do can still feel them. Yes, there is always that one dog that touches us more deeply than any other being ever could.

  17. Marlton Personal Trainer says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss…

  18. gmyrberg says:

    We really understand, losing our guy in April and will always remember him with fondness and regret. We have our foster and a new resident dog to explore the future with.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks and I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you have a foster dog, I am looking into fostering a dog in the near future, I just need a little bit more time. Life is a journey, and having a canine companion in such a journey is a lot more fun and interesting than doing it alone.

  19. Will and Eko says:

    Just absolutely heartbreaking. You guys took such an incredible journey together and filled it with so much love. Thanks for sharing this moving story.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks Will. Yes, it is heartbreaking. Please, give Eko and Penny a big hug and kiss.

  20. My tears are running while reading, specially this wonderful letter to Alex touched my heart. I’m so sorry, you were the perfect team… and you were always there from the begin as I started my blog.Hugs to you… it’s not easy to find words, with all the tears…

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. I am sorry you cried, but I am glad that what I wrote touched you. Alex was, as I many times wrote in my posts, perfect. She was perfect for me. A million thanks for your kind words.

  21. I am so sorry. I feel like I’ve lost her too.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thank you. I can’t believe it, my cousin said the same. Wow! My girl touched a lot of people. What a fortunate person I was to have had her as my furry kid.

      1. She was lovely. And your love for her glowed from the computer screen.

      2. Marcela says:

        Omg, what beautiful words. Thanks.

  22. newsferret says:

    I know that feeling, been through it many times. Thank heavens for the memories, first painful then joy.

    1. Marcela says:

      Thanks. You are right. It is painful, but I would never trade the time I had with Alex even if I knew from the beginning that I was going to be in so much pain. They say that is not the length of time you live, but rather the quality of it, and I do believe that, although being the selfish human that I am, I do wish Alex had lived much longer. Well, that is just me.

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